Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
