I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
