I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
