There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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