I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Well I just put wine in my tea
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
