you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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