can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
