Someone shit on the floor
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
being pregnant is like rehab
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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