apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
did i just pee glitter
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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