I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My life is pants optional.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
