I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
