I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
