Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
My feet surprised me
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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