All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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