i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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