I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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