I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Randomize
