i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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