Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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