that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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