True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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