the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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