your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
