well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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