I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
