I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
