It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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