I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
