best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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