I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
