I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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