my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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