You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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