He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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