I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
