i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
How does one acquire holy water?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
