i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
