i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
