No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
