She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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