I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
