did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
