Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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