if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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