we're chasing vodka with high fives
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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