I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
