you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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