i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
