apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Let's get the cat blown out
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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