The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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