That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
