I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Randomize
