Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
