just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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