when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
She made me pour olive oil on her.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
