So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
